I've not been here for awhile. My intent for this blog was to share my thoughts and discoveries about my visit with my mother with my sisters. Content was to be mostly informative with little dollops of my opinion, my new understandings of my relations with Mom and simple reports of activities. That ain't happening. So instead, for my benefit, I'll use this blog to collect and arrange my head AND my heart streams.
I have come to understand that neither of my sisters want to communicate this way. Communicating in a digital (written word?) isn't their choice. I'm still shocked that both of them are such Luddites about technology. Ok, so I struggle with how to create and keep an orderly loop of information between us.
My sisters and mother are Luddites about digital communication and relationships. Barbie just has no time for it so it is not important to know how to use it. Simple order is necessary.
Bevie is a Miss Daisy, she needs tech for many things, but wants her mode(s) of movement provided by someone else. She exhibits anger when transportation is not provided.
Mom is just plain scared of what she perceives as the power of technology....she doesn't know about it so it has more power than she does. She chooses victim hood by technology as protection.
I embrace digital relationships because they provide distance from people, something I need to control. Digital communications insulates and connects me at the same time. Digital relationships have rules and frames that allow me to create different stories about everything as I need to. (some people consider that activity as lying), It also makes it very easy to disappear when I need to.
The plus for me is that Greg and I connected in the realm of cyberspace and remain close using digital communication modes.
And then there is the family dynamic of real time personal communication, we pass info around, shrouded in personal filters. I am getting the feeling that maybe lack of knowledge about a situation is also a way to create distance from some issues. Some "information" is difficult to encounter because it is just...data. Yes, sharing of our feelings is important and we need to know about each other, but in this case I think the three of us might gain information to help make choices. (My judgement is flipping its skirts, big time)
We are like planets that orbit around Mom. I am Jupiter, most distant and fast moving. Keeping distance so that I don't have to slow down enough to be in direct relationship to Mom. Barbie is Mars, close enough to make her anger known. She is red and at war with her feelings about Mom. Bevie is the Moon. She shines light on mother's life and is sensitive to the tides of mothers life. She feels responsible for the rhythm. (More skirt flipping)
Mom holds deep old feelings about herself. It seems that a great deal of it is about her relations with men; her brothers, her father, my father and the other men who were connected to her.
Mom's words about men weave the biggest love/hate relationship I have ever heard!
She was a tomboy, Ginny loved being a part of her brothers lives and felt like she had some worth participating in their world. Then, she was ejected from this important part of her life because she is a girl - female person.
Ginny's Mother Francis loved brother Tom best and most of all her children. Mother Francis showered all her love on Tom, leaving little or nothing for Mom to receive. (Message: Male persons are better, more deserving, more, just more?). I think my sister Barbie may have the deepest understanding of this type of abandonment.....
As Ginny's brothers began to regard the world thru the single eye of their penises, she saw that her femaleness did have some value of a sort. She explored her discovery, but found again that there was another type of abandonment at the core of these sexual oriented relationships. Ginny is very proud that she was "wanted by lots of young men, but did not give herself sexually to them.
Here I wonder two things; did she actually refuse to have sex and is her story about how she gained and wielded some power and worth in the world of penises?
In telling her stories, she infers "you can't trust them, but they are more important and worth more than I am!!" She really struggles with my opinion that men of her generation and a good number of men in my generation are just assholes.
Moving on, Mom values her insular self highly. There is self-worth in needing no-one, there is safety in needing no one, in holding as much control over all things in her life as possible. She perceives any offer or insinuation of help as a threat to her worth and her safe cocoon of control. Lack of control, release of her insular self equals worthlessness. It is important to support this belief and behavior with stories of her "victimhood".
I think and feel this story may have been effectively passed down to me, but I have lived in another time, but there are echos of her words lurking in MY story. I often express my abhorrence of being perceived in any way as a victim. In my mind I feel some pride that I am NOT a victim. My fears and judgement of victim hood most often controls my behavior. And yet a reality of victimization lurks inside me.
Oh! the grand paradox, wild incongruity. I struggle to string it all together in a way that I can hear and see it without judgement. I am making some progress in hearing and seeing with less and less judgement.
Being here with Mom, working from a predetermined script has been more healing than anything else I have done to reconcile my feelings and reactions to my mother. Standing just far enough away to be out of range of the arrows shot from the past is a good place to be. Removing myself from the deepest currents of long held reactions provides a flow, a different type of relationship. She and I are still in the same ocean, are necessary to fill the needs, but different. I am beginning to feel some acceptance, without needing to understand.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Tuesday 01/31
Sunday and Monday were very quiet low movement days. Sunday we watched the entire first season of Vikings. Then, shame on me, I showed Mom how to find Amazon Video. She spent all of Monday watching the first season of Outlander. Yeah, ickipoo, but it made her happy.
I have started walking around the neighborhood because I just cannot sit on my butt so much of the time.
Monday, Mom pulled out her safe and produced all her papers; POA, Last will, NDR, insurance, investments, and a partially completed "When I Die" book. There is also a folder on Funeral services but nothing has been purchased. Some other financial stuff, but certainly not all of it.
Some documents need updates as far as addresses, car and title and a few other things.
There is also a duplicate of Chase Bank credit cards. One account from AARP, another from Amazon. I am going to call and see if they can be combined.
Sooooo, time for the family lawyer to review. I called Bevie today and asked for a call. Hope she can come over soon to advise if there is anything else that will be needed. Also need to make decision about REAL Services....they have called again.
I called Dave Stewart @ BE to get advise on Bevies home office. He had good advise and reported the success for the BE Home offices. I'll share the info with Bevie. That be the end of techno conversations.
Today Mom has haircut appointment @2:30. The we will go to the grocery....AGAIN. The food situation is difficult for me. Mom's diet is horrible and she is totally stubborn about what to eat and how to prepare it. I'll try again tonight with some stuff I think she will like. HOPE. At least I won't be digging around. Mom is still resistant to my diet.
Doc appointment tomorrow. I need info from everyone about what sort of questions should be posed to Dr. Mertz about Mom's condition, meds and expectations going forward.
Mom's hip is still pain free. She is moving faster and standing up straighter.
Going over to Barbies tomorrow night to watch Vikings last two episodes for this season. Need some time away from Mom. Get stuff to make Tortolinni soup and maybe some good bread and cheese?
That be it for now.....
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Snatchsquash Sisters Day Out
Sunday January 29
I enjoyed the day out together with Barbie, Bevie and Mom. yesterday. Massage, lunch, toes, a driving tour and a movie! All cackle-full fun!
I was tired when I got back to Mom's. Typically, I don't spend whole days out except when Greg and I go to the races, but yesterday was very good for me. I don't spend time out with women anymore and it was a strong and pointed revelation for me. Experience replaced by memory......
Barbie lead the charge and I loved hearing her laugh so much. I saw her profile often in the car. She is beautiful.
Technology Note: I would prefer if Bevie used her professional IT guy to handle her hardware and software needs. Bevie and I are missing a common language about tech and we don't share a sphere of understanding. The topic discussions lean toward uncomfortable for me. I think we DO share a place of discomfort for subjects that we don't feel competent and confident in our understanding.....
I miss Greg.
I am learning so much about Mom. It is fascinating to observe her, hear her, watch her without internal reaction. I do not feel the old juice of being the hero, and I don't feel any loss of the feeling. The difference between helping and knowing how to "make right/fix". Yesterday I scolded myself for not learning to interact with her this way long ago. Maybe I could feel some love, compassion and connection to her by now. Sadly, I still don't feel those things.
Mom fascination from yesterday: the power of her male dominate filters. Her only comment about the movie "Hidden Figures" was that the astronauts were very brave men. Her only comment about the black women heros was that "that is how it was". So interesting to hear those very words used repeatedly by both white and black characters in the movie.
Most impressive for me again is her translation of "different" into "threat". Be it food, clothes, any people who stray from old Wasp cultural morals it seems she feels/sees a threat lurking all around. She feels judged, so she judges back.
Hip surgery: I have an oogatie feeling. There is something about it running around inside Mom. She was very very worried about "taking the spotlight" from Barbie and her surgery. Took me awhile to back-figure that one. Also whenever she visits the clinic she needs a wheel chair, presenting herself as very weak from pain. I know it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to have manipulated this situation into being, but fuck, at times it feels like she did.
Health note: Mom is coughing again at night. Wet and hard coughs. She presses her hands on her upper chest and it takes several seconds for her to breathe normally again. After the shower she had a difficulty breathing, after being in the the cold evening air she had difficulty breathing. Normal for COPD? Is there something else that could/should be done or is it just how it is and will be?
I hope that tomorrow we can begin to sort and arrange her paper work. I am intentionally wrapping all the conversations in strong statements about how this information will be needed in the future, but not now....Navigating thru and around the castles of denial is gonna be a fun trip.
I enjoyed the day out together with Barbie, Bevie and Mom. yesterday. Massage, lunch, toes, a driving tour and a movie! All cackle-full fun!
I was tired when I got back to Mom's. Typically, I don't spend whole days out except when Greg and I go to the races, but yesterday was very good for me. I don't spend time out with women anymore and it was a strong and pointed revelation for me. Experience replaced by memory......
Barbie lead the charge and I loved hearing her laugh so much. I saw her profile often in the car. She is beautiful.
Technology Note: I would prefer if Bevie used her professional IT guy to handle her hardware and software needs. Bevie and I are missing a common language about tech and we don't share a sphere of understanding. The topic discussions lean toward uncomfortable for me. I think we DO share a place of discomfort for subjects that we don't feel competent and confident in our understanding.....
I miss Greg.
I am learning so much about Mom. It is fascinating to observe her, hear her, watch her without internal reaction. I do not feel the old juice of being the hero, and I don't feel any loss of the feeling. The difference between helping and knowing how to "make right/fix". Yesterday I scolded myself for not learning to interact with her this way long ago. Maybe I could feel some love, compassion and connection to her by now. Sadly, I still don't feel those things.
Mom fascination from yesterday: the power of her male dominate filters. Her only comment about the movie "Hidden Figures" was that the astronauts were very brave men. Her only comment about the black women heros was that "that is how it was". So interesting to hear those very words used repeatedly by both white and black characters in the movie.
Most impressive for me again is her translation of "different" into "threat". Be it food, clothes, any people who stray from old Wasp cultural morals it seems she feels/sees a threat lurking all around. She feels judged, so she judges back.
Hip surgery: I have an oogatie feeling. There is something about it running around inside Mom. She was very very worried about "taking the spotlight" from Barbie and her surgery. Took me awhile to back-figure that one. Also whenever she visits the clinic she needs a wheel chair, presenting herself as very weak from pain. I know it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to have manipulated this situation into being, but fuck, at times it feels like she did.
Health note: Mom is coughing again at night. Wet and hard coughs. She presses her hands on her upper chest and it takes several seconds for her to breathe normally again. After the shower she had a difficulty breathing, after being in the the cold evening air she had difficulty breathing. Normal for COPD? Is there something else that could/should be done or is it just how it is and will be?
I hope that tomorrow we can begin to sort and arrange her paper work. I am intentionally wrapping all the conversations in strong statements about how this information will be needed in the future, but not now....Navigating thru and around the castles of denial is gonna be a fun trip.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Porcupine
Saturday 01/28
Yesterday was a good day. Up early for a happy visit with Barbie. Barbie told me and Mom lots of good stuff about the process of the injection, hip surgery, including the insurance situation. It appeared to me that Mom settled down a bit about the whole thing. Thanks Barbie!
Mom was manic preparing for the injection. Changing clothes, applying lots of make up. For a minute I thought it felt like she was preparing for a date. Dr. Hix is a good looking guy with a very personable and gentle manner. Her regard for men.... The procedure went well and seemed to be painless. Mom got right off the table and walked straight backed.
As seems to be Mom's habit whenever she is out of the house, we stopped to buy stuff, this time at Walgreen's. A toilet seat with arms to help her get up and down was a good reason (again, thanks Barbie for good ideas and information). Then she began grabbing junk that attracted her attention as we walked thru the isles. Finally, there was some sort of problem at the check out about getting her discount. She got frustrated, mad and then sort of sad and scared. When we got in the car she spewed stuff in her judgmental way. (The woman at the check-out was a cute, young, sort of androgynous person in her hair style and manner of dress. (Lesbians are too ugly to get men, Walgreen's cheats old people...)
When we got back to the house she was tired but happy about her painless hip. However, she talked a great deal about how she will not need "anyone in her house to help" after the surgery. I got a bit spun up, but then realized that she gets very resistant when she doesn't know about things. Discomfort covered up by her tough, need-less character.
Judgements. Mom is like a porcupine covered in arrows of judgement that will jab any one who gets too close, anyone who speaks what she considers to be a judgement of her in anyway. Judgements are her barometer and her armor. An interesting example: She has been very mean and resistant to the whole idea that Sticklers comes from "our family". I found out yesterday that Lorita made a comment about Sticklers coming from the Towsley side of the family. Mom took it in as a judgement, that she and her Towsley blood were bad, deficient, the cause of pain. Therefore it is not true....it is bullshit...it is a society of people who have to have a name for everything....it is a way for weak people.
I have come to understand a bit about why mom-stlye of judgement is so annoying to me...why I have a need to discount it, to feel affronted or insulted by it. I guess I learned something from her about being a porcupine myself. Personally my avoidance-of-judgement mode has been to re-write the story in my head rather than lash out.....
Today will be FUN. I so treasure the days spent with my sisters....
Yesterday was a good day. Up early for a happy visit with Barbie. Barbie told me and Mom lots of good stuff about the process of the injection, hip surgery, including the insurance situation. It appeared to me that Mom settled down a bit about the whole thing. Thanks Barbie!
Mom was manic preparing for the injection. Changing clothes, applying lots of make up. For a minute I thought it felt like she was preparing for a date. Dr. Hix is a good looking guy with a very personable and gentle manner. Her regard for men.... The procedure went well and seemed to be painless. Mom got right off the table and walked straight backed.
As seems to be Mom's habit whenever she is out of the house, we stopped to buy stuff, this time at Walgreen's. A toilet seat with arms to help her get up and down was a good reason (again, thanks Barbie for good ideas and information). Then she began grabbing junk that attracted her attention as we walked thru the isles. Finally, there was some sort of problem at the check out about getting her discount. She got frustrated, mad and then sort of sad and scared. When we got in the car she spewed stuff in her judgmental way. (The woman at the check-out was a cute, young, sort of androgynous person in her hair style and manner of dress. (Lesbians are too ugly to get men, Walgreen's cheats old people...)
When we got back to the house she was tired but happy about her painless hip. However, she talked a great deal about how she will not need "anyone in her house to help" after the surgery. I got a bit spun up, but then realized that she gets very resistant when she doesn't know about things. Discomfort covered up by her tough, need-less character.
Judgements. Mom is like a porcupine covered in arrows of judgement that will jab any one who gets too close, anyone who speaks what she considers to be a judgement of her in anyway. Judgements are her barometer and her armor. An interesting example: She has been very mean and resistant to the whole idea that Sticklers comes from "our family". I found out yesterday that Lorita made a comment about Sticklers coming from the Towsley side of the family. Mom took it in as a judgement, that she and her Towsley blood were bad, deficient, the cause of pain. Therefore it is not true....it is bullshit...it is a society of people who have to have a name for everything....it is a way for weak people.
I have come to understand a bit about why mom-stlye of judgement is so annoying to me...why I have a need to discount it, to feel affronted or insulted by it. I guess I learned something from her about being a porcupine myself. Personally my avoidance-of-judgement mode has been to re-write the story in my head rather than lash out.....
Today will be FUN. I so treasure the days spent with my sisters....
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Our Snatchquatch Logo
01/26/2017
I have been entertaining myself with a bit of art to use as a logo for this blog. YOUR opinion matters!! Of course, I am also thinking how to apply this to our plans.....
I have been entertaining myself with a bit of art to use as a logo for this blog. YOUR opinion matters!! Of course, I am also thinking how to apply this to our plans.....
Thursday 01/26//2017
Snowing this morning....gray wet spitter spatter. The air is full of the snow smell. The snow smell is full of memories for me.
The event of the day:
Went to the OSMC to see Dr. Hix, yesterday, about Mom's hip pain. She got a complete examination, including x-rays. The x-ray shows that the her right hip is "bone-on-bone" due to arthritis. Dr. Hix suggested that a cortisone injection might temporarily relieve some of the pain, but ultimately the only fix is hip replacement.
Dr. Hix said that Mom appears healthy enough to have the surgery. He spoke for a few minutes about the surgical process and suggested which surgeons she could talk to.
We scheduled an injection for today at 1:30 to buy some time.
Mom appears most willing to have the surgery has spoken several times, since the Dr. visit,
about getting her "freedom back".
So, after the Dr. visit, we went to the Golden Egg restaurant to celebrate......<snark>
I spent several hours indulging in some sour thought spinning:
Spinning #1: HOW is it possible that SHE could manage to need hip replacement NOW?
Spinning #2: Is that happiness behind her eyes? Freedom? Opportunity to embed a drama?
Spinning #3: Freedom to do what?
And many more.......do-da-do-da-dahhhhhhh
Possible dates for her surgery could very well be a problem since Barbie will be in recovery till 03/23 and Bevie and I will be in Belize 03/07 till 03/21. This sucks.
Bevie came to visit after she was finished with work. Nice visit.
Snowing this morning....gray wet spitter spatter. The air is full of the snow smell. The snow smell is full of memories for me.
The event of the day:
Went to the OSMC to see Dr. Hix, yesterday, about Mom's hip pain. She got a complete examination, including x-rays. The x-ray shows that the her right hip is "bone-on-bone" due to arthritis. Dr. Hix suggested that a cortisone injection might temporarily relieve some of the pain, but ultimately the only fix is hip replacement.
Dr. Hix said that Mom appears healthy enough to have the surgery. He spoke for a few minutes about the surgical process and suggested which surgeons she could talk to.
We scheduled an injection for today at 1:30 to buy some time.
Mom appears most willing to have the surgery has spoken several times, since the Dr. visit,
about getting her "freedom back".
So, after the Dr. visit, we went to the Golden Egg restaurant to celebrate......<snark>
I spent several hours indulging in some sour thought spinning:
Spinning #1: HOW is it possible that SHE could manage to need hip replacement NOW?
Spinning #2: Is that happiness behind her eyes? Freedom? Opportunity to embed a drama?
Spinning #3: Freedom to do what?
And many more.......do-da-do-da-dahhhhhhh
Possible dates for her surgery could very well be a problem since Barbie will be in recovery till 03/23 and Bevie and I will be in Belize 03/07 till 03/21. This sucks.
Bevie came to visit after she was finished with work. Nice visit.
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