Sunday January 29
I enjoyed the day out together with Barbie, Bevie and Mom. yesterday. Massage, lunch, toes, a driving tour and a movie! All cackle-full fun!
I was tired when I got back to Mom's. Typically, I don't spend whole days out except when Greg and I go to the races, but yesterday was very good for me. I don't spend time out with women anymore and it was a strong and pointed revelation for me. Experience replaced by memory......
Barbie lead the charge and I loved hearing her laugh so much. I saw her profile often in the car. She is beautiful.
Technology Note: I would prefer if Bevie used her professional IT guy to handle her hardware and software needs. Bevie and I are missing a common language about tech and we don't share a sphere of understanding. The topic discussions lean toward uncomfortable for me. I think we DO share a place of discomfort for subjects that we don't feel competent and confident in our understanding.....
I miss Greg.
I am learning so much about Mom. It is fascinating to observe her, hear her, watch her without internal reaction. I do not feel the old juice of being the hero, and I don't feel any loss of the feeling. The difference between helping and knowing how to "make right/fix". Yesterday I scolded myself for not learning to interact with her this way long ago. Maybe I could feel some love, compassion and connection to her by now. Sadly, I still don't feel those things.
Mom fascination from yesterday: the power of her male dominate filters. Her only comment about the movie "Hidden Figures" was that the astronauts were very brave men. Her only comment about the black women heros was that "that is how it was". So interesting to hear those very words used repeatedly by both white and black characters in the movie.
Most impressive for me again is her translation of "different" into "threat". Be it food, clothes, any people who stray from old Wasp cultural morals it seems she feels/sees a threat lurking all around. She feels judged, so she judges back.
Hip surgery: I have an oogatie feeling. There is something about it running around inside Mom. She was very very worried about "taking the spotlight" from Barbie and her surgery. Took me awhile to back-figure that one. Also whenever she visits the clinic she needs a wheel chair, presenting herself as very weak from pain. I know it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to have manipulated this situation into being, but fuck, at times it feels like she did.
Health note: Mom is coughing again at night. Wet and hard coughs. She presses her hands on her upper chest and it takes several seconds for her to breathe normally again. After the shower she had a difficulty breathing, after being in the the cold evening air she had difficulty breathing. Normal for COPD? Is there something else that could/should be done or is it just how it is and will be?
I hope that tomorrow we can begin to sort and arrange her paper work. I am intentionally wrapping all the conversations in strong statements about how this information will be needed in the future, but not now....Navigating thru and around the castles of denial is gonna be a fun trip.
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